Aggie's Blog: Shaping Up and Heading Out

By Aggie Mundeen
October, 2009

Slimming workout clothes, Miracle pills, and Brain Energizers..

FOREVER FATAL is the story of my hazardous attempt to solve a murder at the health club. The detective, bless his heart, became obsessed with thwarting my methods. Can I help it if things got chaotic?

While I waited for the publisher to release the book, I started my exercise routine. Now I’m resting and flipping through catalogs. This one just arrived: “Maturing with Style.” Do they have spies? Do they know I obsess about my age? Is some twenty-five year old reading my age alongside my name and address? What else does he know? The catalog cover says I can feel better, look better, and live better. What they mean is, I’d better bust my chops to stay young. Okay. Let’s see if the stuff in this catalog can help me pull it off.

The first items are “slim-with-no-gym” workout clothes. I wish I’d found these before I forked over the three-month membership to Forever Fit—the health club I joined in FOREVER FATAL. There’s a “shaper” tunic and “shaper” pants with built-in poly/cotton/spandex liners. I bet those suckers are tight. If I can’t breathe, I can’t exercise, at Forever Fit or anywhere else. Too painful.

This is why they feature ThermaTone, triple-action miracle pills for pain relief which promise natural relief for the natural pain and inflammation traversing my body. Pain was not natural until I started exercising.

Thermatone Pills promote gentle healing with fifteen ingredients including antioxidants to flush toxins from my aching joints and muscles. (Have I torn something or merely stretched it beyond usefulness?) Unnamed components will probably make me pee a lot combined with analgesics smuggled in from Hongotovia which will make me oblivious to pain. The pill makers recommend popping two of these buzz-balls twice daily for relief, followed by enough tabs to prevent sudden flare-ups. This could cost more than my health club membership.

The next page advertises a thirty-day supply of Brain Energizer pills. Underneath the package of supplements, it says that although mental decline is often accepted as an unfortunate result of aging, it need not be so; poor nutrition can decrease memory, clarity, and concentration. Their Brain Energizers include Ginkgo Biloba (Isn’t Bilbao in Spain?), soy extract, and Omega-3 fatty acids… which I can buy cheaper at the grocery store… assuming I want to ingest the stuff… which I don’t. Taken with enough water, however, they might at least curb my appetite.
           
In the event that something I consume irritates my stomach, they have a remedy for tummy troubles. I can spray it under my tongue for instant relief. A dozen natural ingredients coalesce to relieve diarrhea, nausea, heartburn, gas, cramps, and food poisoning. They are naturally vague about the source of these maladies.

Are you trying to shape up and head out? Have you found any slimming workout clothes, miracle pills, or brain energizers that work? Write me: intrigue101@sbcglobal.net. I’ll put your questions/comments on the next blog. Between us, we might find something good. 
 
Ever hopeful,
Aggie Mundeen

p.s. Next we’ll investigate hair-strengthening-shampoo, amino acids, nutritional supplements, lip plumpers, face massagers, and Lifties. Don’t miss it.

Aggie Mundeen TM