Life After Thirty
Musings by Aggie Mundeen ™
I’m waiting for the Right Publisher to release FOREVER FATAL, the story of my hazardous attempt to solve the murder at my health club. Despite my carefully concocted plans, the detective, whom I secretly love, tried to thwart my methods at every turn. Who can blame me for trying to expose a killer? Can I help it if things got chaotic?
While the detective gets over his angst, and the publisher sorts things out, I'll flip through a few catalogs.
This catalog just arrived: “As We Mature.” Do they have spies? Do they know I obsess about sliding past thirty? Is some twenty-five year old reading my age alongside my name and address? What else does he know? The catalog cover says I’m supposed to feel better, look better, and live better. What they mean is, I better bust my chops to stay young. Let’s see if this catalog can help me pull it off.
The first items are “slim-with-no-gym” workout clothes. I wish I’d found these before I forked over the 3-month membership to Forever Fit. There’s a “shaper” tunic and “shaper” pants with built-in poly/cotton/spandex liners. I bet those suckers are tight. If I can’t breathe, I can’t exercise. At the gym or anywhere else. Too painful.
This is why they feature ThermaTone, triple-action miracle pills for pain relief which promise natural relief for the natural pain and inflammation traversing my body. Pain was not natural until I started exercising.
Thermatone Pills promise gentle healing with fifteen ingredients including antioxidants to flush toxins from aching joints and muscles (causing users to wonder whether they tore something or stretched it beyond usefulness). Unnamed components will probably cause me to pee a lot while analgesics from third world countries make me oblivious to pain. They recommend two tabs twice daily for relief, followed by enough of these buzz balls to prevent sudden flare-ups.
A few pages later there’s a 30-day supply of “Brain Energizer” pills. Underneath the photo of a pristine white bottle of “booster-pack” supplements, it says that although mental decline is often accepted as an unfortunate result of aging, it need not be so. Poor nutrition can decrease mental acuity like memory, clarity, and concentration. Brain boosters include Ginkgo Biloba (Isn’t Bilbao in Spain?), soy extract, and Omega-3 fatty acids, which I can buy cheaper at the grocery store, assuming I want to ingest the stuff. Which I don’t. Taken with enough water, however, they might curb my appetite.
In case the buzz balls or brain energizers irritate my stomach, they have a remedy for tummy troubles which I can spray under my tongue for instant relief. A dozen natural ingredients coalesce to relieve diarrhea, nausea, heartburn, gas, cramps, and food poisoning. They do not specify the sources of these maladies.
Once I start exercising, ease my pain, and ingest enough pills to help me remember why I started doing it, it’s time to worry about my hair. I need Abundant Hair Shampoo to clean and strengthen my new hair and add body to my old hair. Abundant Conditioner has vitamin B6 and more amino acids in case I forget to take the buzz balls. Clinical tests show that my hair growth will increase 125% in less than a month, making frequent haircuts mandatory.
If that’s not fast enough for me, they have other nutritional supplements to stimulate hair growth that combine amino acids (Is it possible to overdose on these?), with vitamins, minerals, Omega-6 fatty acids and botanicals (which I hope are not fertilizers).
In case I’m on the go between workouts, shampoos, haircuts, and pill popping, they have a dry shampoo perfect for when my hair feels greasy and lifeless between washes. I spray it on and brush it through. My hair will feel clean, fragrant and full of body, which will make me wonder why I paid $60 for the other stuff.
Assuming my face is free of blotches and my eyes haven’t swollen shut from allergic reactions to something I wore, ingested, or sprayed, I can leap into fashion by plumping my lips. No needles needed. I merely apply LipPuff at bedtime and awake with plump, firm, hydrated, sexy lips. I am advised not to eat, drink, or talk for awhile because my lips will plump continuously for hours. If this works well for me, and my significant other notices, the catalog accepts no responsibility for whatever might ensue.
If I want to go for the Gold, but am squeamish about face lifts, I can try hand-held, battery-operated NuvoFace. Massaged over face and neck, NuvoFace’s micro currents lift and tone within minutes, reducing lines and wrinkles and lifting my neck, brows, and jowls. For cumulative, perhaps shocking, results, I can add Moisturizing Mist and Conductivity Cream.
For less stimulating results, I can use Lifties, anti-frown patches that adhere while I sleep. Shaped like a triangular wedge stuck between my eyebrows, they lift underlying facial muscles while I dream. I wake with fewer wrinkles, looking youthful. The patch adhesive is powerful; they suggest trying to remove it a few hours before engaging with people.
I don’t know. This sounds like a lot of work. My mom used to say that a happy face was a youthful face. Maybe I should settle for that.
Aggie.
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